30.9.11
The daunting this about facing reality....
Most of the time I live from day to day on aloose set of very flexible rules and principles. I am by nature very....whimsical...by nurture and my own laziness, very disorganised...very... Inefficient but charismatic and often am able to seem as though I am more progressive because I can convincingly speak action words. Over the past few days I have had much time to reconsider my position in life and think about it in relation to the things that I want to become and accomplish. There are many reasons involved and at the moment everything is really just too much to have any sort of emotional response to...and so...I have been making goal maps all week, calculating costs, tabulating time periods, theorising eventualities... I think this is how I grieve losses and I don't know if I like it but along with writing about it...It is helping to ease my anxiety...maybe this would have worked if I had done it before...but I didn't and so I must acknowledge the consequences of my own actions. Taking responsibility... Makes me feel more in control of the situation actually, less helpless... I think even that I can maintain my Sharla-ness and be less a mess...but we'll see, only time can tell with these sort of things and I truly can't be asked to make any promises in the midst of this feeling that I am just trying to overcome. I am a bit sad because of a combination of things...so I need to be busy to keep me from thinking too much about details that are really insignificant in the grand scheme of things....the world hasn't ended though...I know that, I know that every emotion is temporary and that being close to the situation makes everything seem more difficult than it is...it's really not that bad...I tried, I didn't try hard enough and as a result I've failed so...you know it is time to move on and focus on more important things like school, like life, like my baby, my book...like my own personal growth.
29.9.11
...a recognition of the importance of being present
When someone that you love dies, you begin to reassess your efficiency in life, you wonder if you are optimising every moment that you are granted in this life...for me, I am reminded of my own mortality, I know how little holds us to this life and something in me has become conscious that life is what we make of it, not what is given to us. I love my grandfather, he taught me a lot of things about people and about life and about myself, he taught me things in his death even and his legacy is not just the lessons he gave to me, but his humanity and my recognition that we are all so...human.
I have had some major events happen in my life that leave me feeling a little anxious in my stomach but things that I know will pass eventually. I'm different than I was yesterday...maybe temporarily but right now I value life and all it has to offer. I want to be decisive, I have goals that take more than my whimsical nature to be achieved. What of my existence will be the catalyst to make me a stronger, more efficient person? So governed by emotions, so insane, so resistant to change... I don't know for sure, to be completely honest, the manic nature of my life is such good writing material that wonder if I put myself into situations simply for the sake of feeling something that the public wants to read. I hope that I am not as cheaply conceived as the products that I am addicted to consuming.
I am anxious. I want to move, I want to write, I want to paint, I want to do anything that distracts me from living...and at the same time...I want to live. The irony!
I want to feel what I'm feeling but at the same time I want to kill what I'm feeling...such is the nature of my emotions, sometimes I think I'm manic depressive then I remember...I'm just Sharla. As Sharla, the most important thing for me right now...is to define myself outside of the parameters of happenstance, to be less of a pedestrian and more of an action woman... In spite of all the things that I hate about what I feel right now, I know that after they pass, I will appreciate what I have been through, even if only so that I can appreciate what I don't have to go through again...growing pains.
I get back to London on Monday morning...I have class on Monday night, I will be living in cramped conditions out of a couple of suitcases trying to execute a plan to get the fuck out of my head and live a happier life not shrouded in uncertainty and anxiety. I haven't done this before but...I if I don't believe in myself...why should anybody else. I'm not alone, but I am alone and I am scared...but really I'm more optimistic than I have been in the past few years...for the first time, I have a physical plan, mapped out in 7 hours on a flight from London to Bermuda. I have a plan that leaves more to fall back on than just chance. If I gained nothing else over the past few weeks, this plan is more than worth it all, even if it doesn't all go according to plan...for once I have mapped out the conceivable eventualities and been decisive about my future and I am proud of myself for beginning to live more consciously even if it is a small step. You see the re evaluation of my life that comes after the death of my grandfather is a gradual process and while change is difficult, I am committed to being better because of what the life and death of Daddy Leonard has taught me.
I am a firm believer that everything that happens is supposed to happen...just because it did. Every experience contributes to me as a whole person, these events in my life are important in shaping the woman that I am yet to become. I have so much to learn and am open and receptive to it all, I am and have been afraid of my responsibility to myself and my daughter. I am cradled...sheltered and complacent. But I'm owning up...finally and trudging through some shit barefoot with the understanding that it stinks right now but some day there will be flowers emerging from the shit. I have much to be thankful for. One of them is a grandfather who taught me to be open, and young and ready to humble myself when I am in the wrong. He to taught me that it is important to learn right up until my dying day. He was not a perfect man, but nobody is perfect. I am full of memories of things that could have been done differently and more efficiently...but what now? Now I don't cry over spilled milk...I clean up the mess I made, and pour myself another cup. Life is for learning...all the time and as much as I wish certain things could have been learned differently...I am appreciative of every experience that continues to shape my meaningful existence on this planet. I am alive. That matters.
I have had some major events happen in my life that leave me feeling a little anxious in my stomach but things that I know will pass eventually. I'm different than I was yesterday...maybe temporarily but right now I value life and all it has to offer. I want to be decisive, I have goals that take more than my whimsical nature to be achieved. What of my existence will be the catalyst to make me a stronger, more efficient person? So governed by emotions, so insane, so resistant to change... I don't know for sure, to be completely honest, the manic nature of my life is such good writing material that wonder if I put myself into situations simply for the sake of feeling something that the public wants to read. I hope that I am not as cheaply conceived as the products that I am addicted to consuming.
I am anxious. I want to move, I want to write, I want to paint, I want to do anything that distracts me from living...and at the same time...I want to live. The irony!
I want to feel what I'm feeling but at the same time I want to kill what I'm feeling...such is the nature of my emotions, sometimes I think I'm manic depressive then I remember...I'm just Sharla. As Sharla, the most important thing for me right now...is to define myself outside of the parameters of happenstance, to be less of a pedestrian and more of an action woman... In spite of all the things that I hate about what I feel right now, I know that after they pass, I will appreciate what I have been through, even if only so that I can appreciate what I don't have to go through again...growing pains.
I get back to London on Monday morning...I have class on Monday night, I will be living in cramped conditions out of a couple of suitcases trying to execute a plan to get the fuck out of my head and live a happier life not shrouded in uncertainty and anxiety. I haven't done this before but...I if I don't believe in myself...why should anybody else. I'm not alone, but I am alone and I am scared...but really I'm more optimistic than I have been in the past few years...for the first time, I have a physical plan, mapped out in 7 hours on a flight from London to Bermuda. I have a plan that leaves more to fall back on than just chance. If I gained nothing else over the past few weeks, this plan is more than worth it all, even if it doesn't all go according to plan...for once I have mapped out the conceivable eventualities and been decisive about my future and I am proud of myself for beginning to live more consciously even if it is a small step. You see the re evaluation of my life that comes after the death of my grandfather is a gradual process and while change is difficult, I am committed to being better because of what the life and death of Daddy Leonard has taught me.
I am a firm believer that everything that happens is supposed to happen...just because it did. Every experience contributes to me as a whole person, these events in my life are important in shaping the woman that I am yet to become. I have so much to learn and am open and receptive to it all, I am and have been afraid of my responsibility to myself and my daughter. I am cradled...sheltered and complacent. But I'm owning up...finally and trudging through some shit barefoot with the understanding that it stinks right now but some day there will be flowers emerging from the shit. I have much to be thankful for. One of them is a grandfather who taught me to be open, and young and ready to humble myself when I am in the wrong. He to taught me that it is important to learn right up until my dying day. He was not a perfect man, but nobody is perfect. I am full of memories of things that could have been done differently and more efficiently...but what now? Now I don't cry over spilled milk...I clean up the mess I made, and pour myself another cup. Life is for learning...all the time and as much as I wish certain things could have been learned differently...I am appreciative of every experience that continues to shape my meaningful existence on this planet. I am alive. That matters.
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