a million bars worth of scars....

Bermuda has a serious sexual abuse problem.... Well I'm sure the whole world has it but I really can't begin to speak to that, I don't know how. This might seem out of the blue but I was watching Law & Order, it was all about rape and rape victims and it got me thinking around the issue, initially I thought maybe I'd have a conversation about it, but talking about rape makes my words nonesensical and my mind fumble. I just don't like to do it.
I really hated how the actors in the show who were playing the victims of rape were all "victim-ey" it felt like overkill, these women were just utterly destroyed by some rape that was supposed to have happened 5 years ago, I didn't like how pathetic and emotionally volatile they were acting...
My lack of sympathy for the characters in this show was startling to me when I recognised I really thought about my reaction to the situation, even though it was ficticious... and it made me think of the rape issue that we all ignore in Bermuda. It is prevelent. Everybody is somebody or personally knows a victim of rape/ sexual abuse, like, if women came forward about this in Bermuda, it would be fucking alarming but who wants to be that "pathetic snivelling idiot" who has to see a shrink for something that "they probably could have prevented anyway".
Bermuda has a problem. There are tired mothers with a distorted sense of self worth raising children who are well aware of how their mothers feel about themselves. There are men who habitually make children that they don't give a shit about and we, the mothers are left to pick up the slack and bear the burden. I think single black women particularly understand that society doesn't really have time for our problems, somewhere along the lines we just take the blame and suck it up. I mean, we take the blame for shit we don't even have any control over. We don't have time to be victims and we have no sympathy for it either, and this problem just gets worse, it is like an untreated gangrenous wound poorly bandaged up and it stinks but somehow despite the problem being obvious...everybody ignores it. I get that I may be rambling but I'm trying to figure it out, why in a community so small, does sexual abuse continue to be that white elkephant in the room, it is a little twisted you see, when a woman gets raped in Bermuda, from my knowledge, my frame of reference, what I have had the chance to gather, more often than not, she "could have prevented it" if she was "smarter" or "safer" or "not so dumb" or...if she didn't drink so much...or she could have spoken sooner or she should have kept it to herself. We find a way to take responsibility for somebody elses sexual depravity, find a way to take "power" because we don't want to lose our control. But in a safe environment, where the topic comes about, people would choke if they realised how many Bermudian women take this little badge of shame out when nobody is around to reexamine the details trying to find some loophole that means they aren't damaged goods...and the other thing is...we're only 22sq miles long. We are only 65,000 or so people. Many women know who their attackers are because they knew/know them, they see them regularly. How are you supposed to escape someone who lives next door to you or someone you work with or a fucking relative. It must feel like a daunting sense of internal chaos when at any given point, you could come across that person/people and how are we supposed to act...this is why we don't cry over things like this. We bury them and try to ignore them and do well so that we don't have to own the shame of having been a victim of something so dirty.
I find it appalling how quickly people are to villify a woman who has suffered assault, she gets raped and then if she reports it she gets fucked again so they can take a rape kit and then she has to go to court and tell a bunch of strangers what happened to her so that they can decide whether or not they believe her and in Bermy it's worse, if you come forward because confidentiality doesn't exist, everybody will know and they'll talk about you and find some way to cast judgement on your character because you were raped and you came forward with it...wtf. This is why most Bermudian girls know that if it happens to them, they ought to let it go. This is why the same fucking predators are able to walk around freely, even if they are reported all they have to do is demonstrate a cause reasonable doubt. Through my own personal opinion, I think that Bermudian women have a seriously deflated sense of self worth, we have a lot of issues around the way that we relate with eachother and with men, I think it is because we live in a society that places disproportionate blame on the woman for everything and instead of saying "I got pregnant, I'm not the only one at fault" or "I have been abused and it isn't my fault" or "yes I got raped and I do not take any blame for that!" We shut the f*ck up. We "don't need a man to do his job and take responsibility" in cases of abuse, we know we should have been able to protect ourselves better, and we know that if we've been raped, we put ourselves in bad situations and we should have been smarter, we know that there is nothing to talk about because we're "strong, (in most cases) black women" we have shit to do, mouths to feed, kitchens to clean man...that's why these characters on law and order flat out irritated me, this bitch told this woman she has "post traumatic rape syndrome" I said "wtf, this bitch needs to put on her big girl pants and get over that shit! Post traumatic rape syndrome my ass pshhh!" The mere thought of a woman losing her interest in life and becoming a neglectful mother and descending into a life of drug abuse all because she was raped once just irritated me... But then I thought, hmm, maybe that's how it happens for white upper middle class Americans...they get the chance to be victims and we, know that we need to be survivors because rape hurts more when you're used to pretty things in life I guess, it means more when it didn't happen because you got too drunk, it matters more when you report it right away, we feel worse for you if you're a working mother than if you're a promiscuous teenager, and we understand in Bermuda that a large portion of the people on the jury will be thinking "look at her, she asked for it" and we know that there's even more shame involved if we speak up and our attacker gets off, and our families don't want to be embarrassed by this stain that we've caused and our children need not suffer because we can't handle our own shit...and it could have been worse and so under wraps it goes. In a box somewhere from sight and instead of talking about it and working through it, we hide, we keep it secret until maybe we snap or maybe, and hopefully in the comfort of the company of someone who we know has also been raped, we can talk about it without feeling stupid for having been such an idiot and allowing something like that to happen to us....
Bermuda needs to address this, there really is only so much that our women, who are raising our society, can give after being taken from in so many ways for so long...we can't really be too confused about why we're having the issues we're having when the mama's are under all this strain.

Just arbitrary mind murmurs.

9 years ago today I was 15. That might not be relevent because I'm not really going to talk about that. I am feeling a little mental and so it is best for me to make a list, they're easy to compile and easy to consume. I feel more useful when I am making lists, like I am really doing something important. I will make a list of things, things of no particular significance or relation to one another...

1. In the darkness I swear I can hear 3 distinct voices belonging to faces that I only vaguely remember.
2. I feel cold.
3. Black & Mild's.
4. Goslings Rum.
5. Sweat & Cum.
6. Blood.
7. I don't know where these memories live when I don't smell your essence drifting near.
8. You smell my fear and in me see an insecure child unsure of how to protect herself
9. You smell my fear and relish in the emotions you invoke.
10. These secrets that I write on notebook paper and burn live between you, the universe and I.
11. I can listen to Jah Cure, it doesn't mean anything to me anymore.
12. I am drama.
13. I am not drama, I'm just completely mad.
14. Daylight, I just might take a walk down Deep Dale one way.
15. Some days I forget just how many of you are dead or in jail.
16. I want a snowy's snowball, passionfruit, mango & watermelon flavours.
17. I remember 3 distinct voices belonging to throats that I would slit if I knew I wouldn't get caught.
18. What if everything hapened for a reason.
19. I am afraid of lonliness and fear. I am afraid of fear.
20. Tomorrow will be harder than today.
21. Yesterdays are always easier.
22. Rounds. Laughter. Tears and Unintelligible pleas.
22. & When I die. I hope you never know that you changed me.
23. I care. That's why I say that I don't...so often, sometimes autonomously.
24. I realise that admitting that I care, actually hurts less than pretending that I don't.
25. Fuck you. Fuck him. Fuck everybody.
26. Sometimes it seems like I've fucked everybody.
27.
28. The answer will always be "die slow"
29. Red and Jose Cuervo mixed together make shame.
30. Snowballs and pineapple rum mixed together make regret.
31. Money makes debt.
32. Humiliate me. Please.
33. I hear a bike starting.
34. I smell that fucking scent that lives in my subconscious when I feel most alone.
35. No more self portraits for facebook.
36. Why don't you die. They should shoot you. I don't know what you do but I know what you've done and I just can't see what luck holds such a vile creature to this life.
37. I am tormented tonight because I saw you today and I wished I could tell somebody how I still hear your voice even when you aren't talking because of the weight of what I heard you say.
38. I'm okay
39. I'm okay.
40. I'm okay.
41. Fuck it, I'm not okay.
42. I am drowning in childishly retained memories wondering why they never leave me even when I leave them behind in Bermuda.
43. No amount of makeup can hide me from my guilt.
44. My heart is an open wound having scabs peeled from it's surface.
45. Is it all worth it?
46. I'm okay.
47. Here I am again today poorly sheilding myself from fears that only exist in my head.
48. I hate you and I wish you were dead.
49. I'm okay.
50. What happens when we're on the edge and all that holds us back from jumping is constructing arbitrary lists. Do you give a shit or am I just...that's it. How have you lived with this for 9 years.
51. I want you to care.
52. I want you to care enough to apologise or at least have some respect and avert your eyes.
53. Show some fucking shame.
54. I don't care.
55. Why do I torture myself like a masochist. It must be my fear and my emptiness.
56. Maybe if pain is self inflicted, I can feel empowered when I'm feeling it.
57. This is twisted.
58. There are no song lyrics to encompass how I'm feeling.
59. Even my own poetry lacks the ability to heal me from the scars left by the peices you continue to steal from me everytime I close my eyes and travel back in time to places that don't allow me to grow but all I know is that...fuck.
60. I'm okay.
61. I don't care
62. I am okay and I do not care.

&truth...most important is the truth.

I wish I had made better decisions when I was younger....that I had liked myself more and that I wasn't so irresponsible and selfish. Sometimes I am so fucking afraid out of my wits that I am fucking up or that I am doing something stupid and irresponsible, often, it is a struggle to trust my own judgement even on mundane things like whether or not to buy lemon scented dishwashing liquid. Often I am only acting confident so that nobody sees the snivelling idiot beyond the fierce mask of this "Sharla" that I created to hide behind. The only time that I feel in control of anything is when I am cooking a meal...because even writing things is something that I can't completely control...I go through life amazed at the wonder of everything and scared shitless that I may be missing the point as I'm swallowed up in my "I know nothing" optimism. I know that everything isn't always sunshine and fucking roses, there are many...many times that I feel like I don't know what the fuck I am going to do next. It's harder than I admit to a lot of times but easier than I imagine it is for other people and so I shut the fuck up and struggle for a few days if I have to...but fuck...I should have acted differently...I should have been smarter, this would be easier if I made plans that I could follow through with...and sometimes I think...I'm going mad in desperation and loneliness, I'd feel so empty if I didn't have Amiya there to give me a purpose sometimes. Other times I know exactly what my purpose is and I'm pissed off that I have to postpone my dreams while Amiya's stupid father is out and about doing whatever the fuck he wants, he never has to look for a fucking babysitter, he never has to pay a fucking school fee/doctors bill/buy clothes/ console/discipline/live with the constant consequences of a decision that we both made...and that's just not fucking fair because the sex was better for him than it was for me...so fucking unfair...I'm not in a constant state of rage towards him...just when he contacts me to pretend he's concerned about his daughter when it's clear that he just wants to fuck me again...and somehow he thinks that I am stupid enough to sleep with a man who owes me thousands in child support...and that angers me too...I wish he would just go away completely sometimes...I just want him to vanish into oblivion and stop throwing all these meaningless fucking words at me....meaningless fucking words and meaningless fucking intentions and promises that are devoid of depth, just like he is...it just pisses me off and then I wonder why the fuck I'm putting up with it...that nigga aint worth shit...straight up. And then other times I'm sad...I'm sad because I can't provide the same upbringing for Amiya that I've had. I am sad because I can't fucking live here anymore. I am sad because I am afraid that I'll die alone, this scares me and I know it seems like a silly and shallow concern but it's real to me, no one will want me because of all the fucking baggage I carry and nobody will want to deal with my fucking problems AND insecurities...even if they think they do, they will never want to when they see the extent of my flaws...I am scared because fuck, I want to be loved. I want to be loved like how my mama is loved by my daddy. I want to be in a room full of people and only see that one person. My parents kiss like fucking teenagers and it's nauseating but it's beautiful...they've been together for 30 fucking years and they still want and want to be with eachother...and I'm scared that I won't even be able to have a small portion of the partnership that my parents have...and I know it's selfish because actually, 80% of my time is for Amiya right now, but I am not going to discount it's validity just because it is only amplified in these quiet lonely moments where I wish I were spooning instead of typing a blog that no one will read anyway. I'm about to say something retarded...but I wish that I loved Amiya's father...I wish that we had even been in love at one point so that I could at least look at her and reminisce about that...but I can't...to me when I see Amiya, she is something that came from nothing. Love that materialised out of nowhere...of course I see her fathers face too, but I'm only moved by how I feel for her...and saddened a little by what I feel for him. I am just being honest about my feelings because it feels better to speak them/type them than to repress them like they don't matter...they do matter because I matter and they matter me. I have always been so used to ignoring them because in all honesty, they arise quite infrequently, recently more frequently than I am used to and trying to ignore them to me is just as stupid as giving them too much energy and harbouring them constantly...I need to talk about these feelings, even if it is only to a hypothetical cyber audience that may or may not exist...these feelings need to be expressed...I am emotionally volatile right now, I am sleep deprived and trying hard to devise a plan to keep focus on my dreams and goals, I am looking at a sleeping 4 year old who is committed to draining every ounce of energy inside me, I am thinking about the fact that my flight is on thursday and I wish I could just extend my trip for one more week. I don't want to be alone, I want my family...I am scared...I am sad...I am unsure about whether or not I am making the best choice for Amiya...I wish someone could give me answers because I don't know where to look for them...but I...I think I'm supposed to be a grown up now...which is horrific because I don't know how/when I got here...and I think it was too soon...and I was never prepared for it.

when n*ggas gotta eat, dat's when sh*t get greazy...

The thing is...shit's been real for a long time in this bitch. I'm not just saying that to say that but Bermuda is such a repressed little community, bound to this strange social code that makes us a dangerous people, withint the 22 square miles that we live, it is a shame that this problem is persistent and the only time anybody talks aboutit for real is when something happens immediately...and then the issue gets caught up in expressions of personal greif and then people want to say "bring back the cat o nine tails/death penalty/ put all these gangbangers on an island n let em kill eachother...the lot of close minded bigotry that simply doesnt speak to the core of the issue and none of it really offers any significant suggestions...but then...even if it did... who would give a fuck because our government obviously only gives a fuck to the extent to which people are able to notice, but beyond that, this system is gassed up just like we are and easily distracted by shining lights and whispers hissing secrets that everybody knows already.
fuck it because I'm tired of absolutely nothing.
The nothing that happens when we speak personally with our politicians.
The nothing that we do on a regular basis to affect change in our own community as bermudians.
I am tired of the nothing that the legacy of this fucking place will become if this keeps happening.
It is a fundamental time in this Bermudian history for us to come together and really be committed to affecting change, a massive shift of consciousness is taking place and like a tsunami all of the shit is about to consume us like bodies as fuel for a fire...it's kind of scary living this life...this way...today...As always I feel some kind of way about a boy my age with a child and a family and a mama and a sister etc. etc. etc. losing his life...it doesn't matter what all the facts surrounding it are...premature death is a tragedy and Bermudians are becoming so apathetic like we aren't only 22 square fucking miles, like these aren't our neighbors and high school friends and sons and nephews and cousins and fathers, content to be ignorant of it just because we feel safe because we "aren't involved". This community is too small...it's just way too small to sustain this kind of behavior...let's get the fuck up...connect/collaborate. Now is the time to affect significant change in our local communities. Now is the time to link and think and act for change. Shit's been real for a long time, and now it needs to be dealt with because ignoring the problem just gives it the freedom to grow and develop into something that seems even more unmanageable.

Black men & Black Women

As a woman I am compelled to speak to some of the things this sista says.
I think this vid could be a bit of an emotional response to the neo feminist movement that seems to be growing, within this movement it seems that women discount the importance of men in the social structure and family relationship. I can understand what her points are, I know where it comes from but for most of it I am inclined to disagree. When she first starts to talk about black women and independence, and she says that independence is the inability to depend on someone else, I get that but she sloppily ignores the fact that in the way this society is, independence especially with a single mother is not a choice, it's just the way things have to be based on some poor decision making. I understand and respect that there should be interdependence, yin and yang, one energy feeds off the other in a cycle of life, how idealistic. This video ignores that most of these man bashing behaviors come from a feeling of disempowerment in this patriarchal society where womens roles are underappreciated. The amount of black women out there singing this song for the disempowered black man and our duty to take care of him is just overwhelming. As a single mother, I know that....she is wrong in assuming that single mothers don't know the value of a man, and like society, overlooks the responsibilities that many men are neglecting. She is chastising women for doing what seems like the only viable option and turning into a single back mother doing it alone, a role that is bound to create even the slightest bit of animosity, not directed at anybody but the situation that we contributed to putting ourselves in but also the disproportionate effect of the consequences. I am just wowed when she says stop gold digging emotionally...um WTF? there are no words for this. No words, I'm too exhausted to even try to speak to just how many things are wrong with that statement. then she said "being a help mate" I'm sorry...this isn't even that deep. She doesn't know what she's talking about. She objectifies women and tries to make it look like something empowering, appalling. IMHO if she wanted to make a video that encourages healthy relationships, you can't isolate one role from the other and you can't assume that the only correct model is based on an average heterosexual relationship. The other thing about this video is that is jumps the gun, she talks about becoming oneself too breifly as though it is just a requisite to attracting a good black man, as opposed to the most important journey of this series of journies called life. To me, this sort of muted bigotry is the core of our issues, here we already have women repressing their own independence chasing some sort of interdependent ideal in a world where a lot of men are just exploiting the fact that women feel as though they need a man and that they need to give slack to "the black man" because of the hand he's been dealt in history, and what comes of that is emotionally exhausted single mothers trying their hardest to appease a man who doesn't even respect himself enough to take care of his children, so frustrated with how whenever she seeks help people shell out judgement when it isn't even appropriate, there are women who are made to constantly blame themselves for the mistake of bad judgement...Like it is an unspoken truth that the problems that I encounter with raising my daughter as a single mother are my fault, that I should have been smarter because I can't expect a man to help me raise a child that he helped make. How fucked up is that!?! I know I've gone on a bit of a rant that deviates from the basic idea of what she was saying, but not really...We all have issues to sort out, you can't expect people to work out these issues without addressing the causes of the issues, I respect this young womans right to express her opinions, but she clearly doen't really know what she is talking about... I am too tired to talk about this anymore especially when her opinions are the fruits of a skewed perception produced by a person who takes themselves way too seriously...I don't know why she thinks that she has the answers on this particular topic and part of me thinks she maybe even wanted to act as the devils advocate....either way it's 4:15 a.m. and I'd rather be sleeping than venting about some ridiculous cac that some chick said on youtube...

Just a mess of scattered thoughts from my beautiful mind...

Today I cooked a lovely meal for my family...which is actually what I do everyday, standing in the kitchen that I have freshly cleaned, washing, chopping, sauteeing, steaming vegetables, boiling beans/rice/quinoa etc, etc., brings me great joy. Cooking healthy food is one of the most therapeutic things that I really revel in when I am in Bermuda, even though the prices are a fucking disgrace, I feel important when I am creating something healthy for the people that I love. It's really really important to me to feel as though I am effectively expressing my love for the people around me so that they know that they mean a lot to me, I believe that it is something we often take for granted, assuming that people know how we feel. I ave been thinking about this since the passing of my dear grandfather whom I love very much for the contributions that he has made to my life. He has left a tremendous gap in my family, everyone would agree. Leaving London to travel to his funeral was one of the hardest things I ever had to do by myself, I admit that I felt as though I was prepared for his transitioning but when I heard it happened...I wished I was near his bedside, holding his hand as it happened. My last memory of him alive was August 25th, when I left to go to London. I went to his hospital room a couple of hours before my flight was due to leave, he slept peacefully with a look of contentment, I wanted to hug him and kiss his forehead but I didn't want to wake him because I couldn't stay long. This was the second time in my life that I ever told him that I loved him, hoping it would slip through to his subconscious...but then again...I am sure that he knew. I still wasn't really prepared though. The death of someone who was so...alive...made me really conscious of the frailty of life...brought me to this place where I am...where I just want to exude all my love at every moment to every person so that within my lifetime, through my words and actions...the people that I care about will never have to wonder whether or not they made an impact on my life...Standing in the kitchen cooking, brings me to these thoughts. When I am cooking I am always somewhere else in my mind, Sifting through memories that live inside my DNA, I am off on adventures that I have taken in my ignorant youth, I am thinking about everything from the sweet to the gritty...I am contemplating the gravity of my own existence and wondering whether it really is all for nothing... This life is something funny, something twisted...dark and comic all at once, throughout it we distract ourselves in mountains of insignificant wants and false needs, we chase dreams and goals and relationships and happiness, we wonder about the validity of all the work we give ourselves to do. We prepare for our future and then one day we just die.
We die leaving behind a void for the living to contemplate, take our last breaths and remind everyone wo is alive of their own mortality. Everyone, for the sake of all the beliefs that they hold hopes with everything in thir being that death really isn't the end of it all, I do too sometimes, just because I am uncomfortable...and have a hard time really conceptualizing not existing anymore, on a conscious level anyway.
It's funny how life is made of time, it is all we have but nobody ever feels as though they have enough of it...We squander it in our ignorant youth and try to manipulate and cling to it as we grow older. I am 25 in a few months and it is daunting how quickly the time has been flying...it is hard for me to really say where the past 5 years have gone and that scares me a lot...It feels for me like it has gotten quicker since having Amiya, I am more conscious of the things that I have not yet been able to accomplish, I am fearful that I  will die and leave behind a legacy of mediocrity for my daughter to be ashamed of. I wish I could rewind time...and do some things over but I know that's a wasted thought...but it doesn't make my regrets any less glaring...

I have regrets. I know everybody does but I am always saying things like "I am grateful for every experience, good or bad because they have all taught me something valuable that I did not know before." Which is true, I do believe that, I do still believe that the most important thing about life is th ability to learn, to grow, to absorb and disperse knowledge with every waking breath...but fuck...sometimes I just wish I could keep the lesson at least and erase the experience, erase the memory and get the time back. I wish I would have listened to the things my parents told me when I was younger. I wish I knew myself better before I had a child. I wish I had more courage to do the right thing. I wish I didn't lose myself in the assumptions of other people. I am only just learning that I am valuable to the world, that I am beautiful...that I really am enough as I am, that I am worthy of a good life. I am only now becoming confident and strong in the things that I believe and the choices that I make. As I grow into myself I look back over the years and cringe at how silly I was...how dumb I was to have overlooked so many obvious things...how little I thought of myself and how much slack shit I settled for. As I cook, these things rush to me and as the smells of the foods that I am cooking rise into my nostrils, I am brought from this blizzard of scrambled thoughts back into the present...the present where I am truly please, sufficiently nervous and perpetually open for all the things yet to come...

BLah bLah New Year and shit.

The "new year" is only significant to me as far as it allows me to measure my growth and accomplishments within a set time period. It allows me time for retrospective introspection, time to really recognise how I have used the time that I have had over the last 365 days. I think that it is important to frequently recognise where one is, emotionally, spiritually, educationally, professionally etc. etc. Just how much of what we would like to do, have we actually done and how are we planning to acheive all the things that we want within the estimated time?
I think this is why new years resolutions are perceived as important...and so popular with the human race. It feels like a fresh start, A nice clean slate from which you can move into a better state of things, wash away all the scum of the year that has passed and renew oneself afresh...it's a nice concept...unfortunately it's bullshit. It's just a thing people say without really sincere intentions of changing and I think it's a waste of consciousness and breath to commit to these things. As a new rule in my life I decided that being present in every moment is more important to me. The recognition that no significant changes can be adhered to in a single moment just because the world calls it a new year is not only blatantly obvious but also very empowering. Nothing that is worth having is meant to be easy, or else we wouldn't really appreciate it's true value. This is why I choose to make change a daily effort.

I have decided that as a way to commemorate my movement into a new calendar year, I am going to live deliberately. Everyday is the chance to complete a short term goal and move closer to the completion of a long term goal, time can't be idle and every breath must be purposeful. I will wake up with the intention, drive and ability to win on a daily basis, consistently challenging my own boundaries in very small steps. Nothing is impossible. Dreaming is a necessity. The only constant is change, and we all hold the keys to that change with our personal actions...Too often I am discouraged by one wrong step, I make the weak decision to follow it with another wrong step and lead myself down a really difficult path to get off of, but I am realising that my success can be attained one decision at a time, how exciting is that?!?! I can wake up every day and make just one choice that allows me to change my bad habits into good ones and helps me to cultivate my me-ness in a way that is beneficial to my life and the lives of those around me.