Atheism Schmatheism.

I am encouraged that people are compelled to respond to my recent columns in the sun about religion. It is however very frustrating that with all that I intended to say, that people think that my comment on the religious situation are attacks, or bodies of work in defense of atheism.

I don't actually care that much about religion, I care about tolerance and love. I think it's important to say that I do not tend to use the word atheist, or refer to myself as such, my beliefs have no convention and I know that my knowledge is limited. I often get caught in worrying that my fervence in denouncing religion are misrepresentative of my motives which are simply to encourage people of alternative views to be more open in Bermuda about thair rights to be respected.

I think that it is more important for people to live true to themselves rather than spend their whole lives defending the principles of their religious beliefs. The pillars of morality are intrinsically human and I do believe that there is more good than evil in this world. This whole discussion on atheism versus religion is retarded to me, to be honest. I don't actually care what people on either sides believe. It is a futile attempt to convert people from their stubborn faith so I believe that it is more important that we act human towards eachother rather than battling one another based on our differences in belief. Let's stop being condescending to one another (which happens on both sides) and grow the hell up.

If people still believe that life is about proving to other people that what they believe is valid...then we truly have it wrong...and no wonder we are in the state that we are when our concerns are so flimsy that they only span as far as the need to be right as opposed to the need to be productive.

Life is full of magic. I hope that people are able to appreciate it independent of the need for religious repression, I hope that we can look beyond feeling threatened by people who have beliefs that are in opposition to our own. Our common bond is that we are human, to me this is more important than anything else, always.


I don't care that this perspective might be a bit utopian because in my experience it has served true, love and respect for our fellow man within our own community make for a lot less friction, the understanding that we are all equal to one another makes life easier to live, we are all valuable and have important things to contribute to our society, we are here for a fleeting moment in the context of the measure of time and space in the universe, and that we are here is purpose enough, one day it will be over for us and none of the petty discrepancies that we've had will matter anymore, so while we are here...I think it is better to make our existence matter...while it matters, love while we can...and live without the need for approval, simply by virtue of us existing, we are here to enjoy the time we have been granted by the cosmos.

one love.

I've got to be honest...

I think that my daughters father is worthless. Maybe this isn't the wisest thing to say on the internet but I'm pretty vocal about it and I'm sure he feels the same way about himself which is why he behaves in such a worthless manner. I never say negative things unwarranted but it is just so pressing, this issue of Bermudian men and their inability to act responsibly about the children they are making and I am just in a mood that makes me feel as though the most I can do in this situation is say "fuck you Torrick" without actually saying it. This rant is a small relief in a situation where nobody wins...nobody.

I have always...ALWAYS accepted responsibility for the circumstances under which I conceived my Amiya. I acted irresponsibly and caused a whole upheaval in the lives of people involved in my life...understanding that I had done something that would bring maybe some negative consequences to myself, I tried to handle it the best way that I knew how, this whole thing is still very new to me...I am a mother plunged into an alien lifestyle with real concerns and fears about my inability to do this properly...and parenthood is a constant test of character and strength, it's challenging enough without having to deal with the bullshit of some boy who is a pathological liar and a pathetic excuse for a human being.

In all honesty, I would have rathered that this asshole just be straight up with me from jump, I even made a written statement in court that said "his involvement is his choice I just need him to be transparent about whether or not he plans to be there for her" fine... So I expect him to say "I don't want this extra responsibility" I am a grown up and I love my daughter,  can handle this if that's how he felt...but instead he says "That's my daughter and I want to be in her life" I know...that talk is cheap. But when it is convenient for you to tell the truth...why the fuck do you tell this type of a lie and maintain this lie everytime I try to find out what the deal is...what the fuck is your problem? Realy I can't understand the motives and it boggles my brain when I try to understand.

I guess I can understand that a man doesn't have the same connection to a child as it's mother does but it is still beyond me how a dude can have kids he knows about living in the same 22 sq miles and has only ever seen her a handful of times in the four years she's been alive...AND THEN have a NERVE to tell me to tell her that "her daddy loves her",you must be out of your fucking mind. Not on this side of christmas dread. This type of thing sets my teeth on edge really...because I may not be the best person in the world but I am honest and have been completely open about this thing from day one and I am not concerned with getting my "feelings hurt" I don't fucking want you, you lame ass fake rasta, you incoherent, illiterate, retarded ass bitch. I am okay with typing these things because you can't read, dumbass.

I am concerned with your wasting of my time by ignoring the responsibilities that you said from your own mouth and of your own accord, that you would handle, if even partially to alleviate me of the stress of mothering your child... I came back to Bermuda partially to give Amiya a chance t get to know her paternal family, do you understand? I travelled home because I felt as though my leaving took away an opportunity for you to be involved in your childs life, of course among other things...but still, this is amongst my reasons, I can't believe you pissed away this chance of having a proper relationship with your daughter.

Sometimes I wish I never fucked you. I hate to say that because of how much Amiya has changed me as a woman but my daughter deserves better than what you are. She is asking me questions about you that I can't answer and it breaks m heart to watch my 4 year old daughter work out in her mind the reasons why you, as an entity, are not around. It is  beyond me that you feel no sense of responsibility toward the development of that child and I am frustrated with our inability to offer valuable insight into the reasons behind your absense.

I'm tired of this. Tired of this flaky attitude of yours, the lies you've told and the lack of explanation for your slackness. You think that you being physically attractive is enough??? it's not enough...you are a pathetic little man and I am so fucking mad at you, at myself and at this whole situation, I hope your dick drops off.

Clamour. around me the noises escalate into an incoherent symphony of voices and machines and crashes and everything else in between until they rise to a level of incomprehension and in my ears the sounds disappear into oblivion and all I can hear is the vibration of his eyes following me across the floor. I walk differently when I feel I am being watched, clumsily I shuffle across the dirty gray tiles and warmth fills my cheeks, I look down and search for something to make me look preoccupied, I count my footsteps as I hurry towards the exit and when I finally get there I am relieved. I have a lump in my throat that slowly shrinks like a cancerous tumour reacting to radiation and now I feel thirsty.

after eight years here I am trying to maintain normalcy in the residue of an un-normal situation that reintroduces itself everytime I think I've forgotten about it. Any Bermudian can fill in the blanks of the things I don't speak so openly about. I suppose that it truly isn't a big deal but after 8 years there are swords in my gut stabbing me from the inside out because I've made eye contact with....some dude.

I want to vomit, my hands are tingling and I feel heavy, I am heavy...look at me...I am a mess governed by these insignificant things in my past that just won't go away no matter how hard I try to ignore them. I am looking for a reflective service so that I can become absorbed in how pretty I think people think I am based on my own appreciation for my facial characteristics...I wonder if he thinks I'm pretty...I wonder if he remembers. If he remembers me...I know that I am making a big deal out of nothing....but sometimes, that is in my nature.


This is routine

life.

Sometimes I am compelled to say things...and write things and I don't know what they are...or what they mean...I know that makes no sense but right now I am just so pregnant with emotion. I went out with some of the people that I love most in the world tonight...people who have seen me through things and been consistently there for me despite not always being in touch. I know that makes no sense but...it does. I don't really like the club scene in Bermuda, it's loud drunk girls and guys with braids/fades/dreadlocks and fitted caps walking around with massive gold chains and expensive sneakers, it's tonnes of  moments where I see blasts from the past and go "shit Sharla...WERE you thinking???"  It is drama, it is bullshit, it is everybody trying to fuck everybody else and then forget about it in the morning...it's the same fucking people who have been going out since I started going out... stadng on the dance floor staring at everybod else until they get too drunk to maintain a healthy shame of what other eople think.......

you know what's fucked up, a man can not pay child support...and live his life. and there is little to no consequence...unless the mother of the child jumps through fucking hoops to get the law to give a fuck about that man breaking it...
but...here's some more fucked up shit...a man who breaks his leg and doesn't have insurance and incurs  a huge medical bil that he is unable to pay....is going to jail...okay I don't care abot that anymore. Over it...

men make women crazy.

Moans. Cloaked in secrecy under the moolight as the treefrogs whistle outside at 2am and the sticky sweet air of Bermudian summertime invokes the memory of some other feeling that was had in this same breezy heat under the influences of rum coke and marijuana smoke. Somewhere in Bermuda there is a woman crying... there are several women crying about something...usually about someone...more usually about a man and what he done or didn't do or said.......or didn't say and I have come to the conclusion that this many women can't be mad over men just because they are...it has to be that these men are doing things to make us that way...intentionally or unintentionally...who knows? not me...I'm just assuming

at LEAST 74% of the issues with women would exist if some man hadn't come along and fucked her up. People think that it's the father...or lack thereof that encourage the dysfunction in male/female relationships...I suppose I agree. My relationship with my father is...obstinate, we never see eye to eye, sometimes we talk but somebody is always walking on eggshells it makes me tired and I love him and I know without doubt that he loves me too, but does he like me? Well shit, I don't really know.

He is a great man though and I would hate anybody to get the impression that he isn't based on my difficult relationship with him, I don't know why it's so...and really I don't know if I want to talk about all the reasons why it could be that way...that's probably a psych students dissertation...I won't discuss it to any real depth although...

I'm sure this affects my perspective...

I think men are intrinsically fucked up. I think for the most part they don't mean any harm but it never makes it any less painful that they hurt us just because they didn't mean to. They habitually do the wrong things. They lie to spare our feelings, they discount our emotions as hormonal imbalance, they think we are sex objects, they say things without knowing the gravity of them and it we are left feeling inadequate because society is always attributing our emotions to some inadequate explanation like we had a bad day at the office or we're not sexually satisfied when really, I think to a lot of women...it is insane that being sincere about the way we feel...is scary for men...well why do we have to suffer from the implosion of our emotions because a man is not mature enough to understand that we just want to be supported in the way that we support? We want t love the way that we love... We get jealous because it is natural...and we do crazy things because there is no convention to the love that we feel....and they just don't care enough to try to understand why we do/say/feel the way we do...just go on blissfully unaware and grateful to avoid an "argument"...when really there are almost always things to be said when a woman says... "nothing is the matter" I think they think that what we feel is irrelevent...that it won't make a substantive difference to their lives and so they nod their head and pretend to absorb and understand what we're going through...

I don't know...Sometimes i really don't think that society appreciates all that women go through and still have to put up with the perspective that men are stronger because they are animals that can fuck without feelings...I just don't get it.

and we love them with all our sincerety, we give them ourselves, wholly without division because it is the most valuable thing that we have. We get naked, bare ourselvs and hold them when it is dark and the pressures of society have weighted down on their shoulders...and we want to ansorb their pain and they misunderstand and think our passion is misplaced...and it probably is because at te end of it there is always an emotionally wounded woman wishing she could have held back some of herself before some man trated us like it didn't matter...