I'm constantly having these little epiphanies in my life as I have time to contemplate all the things that happen and little insignificancies that I experience in this funny life of mine. I always say everything is for learning and I am always being all optimistic with that odd moment out where I am blasting somebody who deserves to be blasted...I am very usually, an optimistic person with a really positive outlook on things, even fucked up things but sometimes I am annoyed with my need to be optimistic and strong about things when I realy do just want to lament over what could have been and will never be, I have talked already about being in that state, letting myself feel it but it is really harder to do than it is to say... I am really my worst enemy in terms of letting myself feel negative feelings without the need to repress them...even though I know that nobody is happy all the time...I am always telling myself that I'm not angry or I'm not sad or something doesn't matter when it does...It's like weakness to me and I will take on the responsibility for mys hortcomings but I never want to be weak, or percieved as that way and so I suck up my emotional meltdowns and reduce them to hormonal imbalances and fix them with distraction and chocolate. I like to feel things but certain emotions just seem pointless and immature and I feel stupid and weak when I myself harbour these emotions, like bitterness and jealousy and anger towards a person or people who havent necessarily done anything wrong to me. I am a person who likes to know the reason behind everything, which is a source of much of my discontent in life because sometimes things just don't come with reasons that are clear...it makes me sad when I don't have the answers or a means to find them and right now I feel like I just can't be optimistic in this moment, where I am feeling this way, answerless, bitter, angry and lonely without a single person in the universe who can truly understand and appreciate why I feel like this...
I feel like even forgiving myself for this and saying I am just allowing myself to feel what I feel just feels like bullshit to me right now. I just want to do something reckless, I just want to do something pointless, lash out on a stranger, fight somebody. I am full of rage with no one and no way to direct it except to write a long fucked up incoherent blog that nobody will read. That's how I'm feeling and I hate it because I am not usually an angry person so I don't know what the fuck I should do with all this anger and I dont know where it really came from either...
Or maybe I AM an angry person full of darkness, maybe I am inherently that way but socially conditioned to know that it isn't acceptable maybe I am full of resentment...full of unaimed hatred and anger...full of desolation and emptiness...just a void regurgitating peace speak because it suits me...makes me feel I am better than I really am...or maybe I am just lonely...and the sound of my fingers on the keyboard is so telling...the only people that I can truly express myself to aren't people at all...they are a series of characters from the english language on a keyboard and a white screen that can't respond.
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