I am on the verge of tears, alone with my tears I contemplate ways to make the hurting stop. I've tried many things... So many things but these days...if I'm not sleeping, I'm in pain. I have always had pain, so much so that it is very hard for me to even imagine living without it, I don't remember what it's like to wake up without an ache.
I feel embarrassed about it, this shameful pain, it's obvious, I hurt because I'm too fat.
My back, my ankles, my knees, my feet..oh fuck my feet...the pain in my feet, my heels, is so much that I must bite my tongue to keep from moaning as I walk, my back, so much so that I can't think of anything else when I have been standing or sitting too long. It has been this way for years, despite my persistence, I walk a lot, because I want it to stop hurting and when I am alone in my home, I limp and waddle...I moan and groan...I dread getting out of bed, some days I think...if this gets any worse, I'd rather fucking die...which is saying something because I love living but this pain...this pain just gets worse and worse and worse and I'm afraid... That it is affecting me mentally to be in constant quiet suffering.
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