I fucked a boy in the arboretum because I thought it would make me a sexually liberated woman. It was a Friday afternoon during the final period of my school day, we skipped that period together to go ahead and see what all the fuss was about...after all we were 16 and thought it was time to do what we had been talking about for months now.

A warm summer-ish afternoon just weeks after I had gone 16 I decided it was time. During lunch period I texted the boy something like I'm leaving, u should come too. Security being oblivious to my unauthorised exit, I walked out of the school clad in my school uniform, Gray skirt, short sleeved pale blue shirt, red and blue striped tie and bright cranberry red sweater vest. As I walked off of the hill I worried about being spotted by someone who mattered, so I walked quickly, within two minutes I heard his hastened footsteps trailing behind me, "Where wa goin?" he asked...I had only just decided on the arboretum. Because it was close and parts of it are secluded..."arboretum, I guess" I said back to him. We had been "fooling around" for what seemed like forever, kissing and touching each other, getting all riled up to do...nothing, I was sick of it. Especially because I was sure that I could handle going further and I thought he was a bitch for not having tried to go further and so, today was my opportunity...

To be honest, it didn't make me feel very liberated, skirt hiked up around my waist as I lay in a pile of dry leaves in a clearing beyond some bushes. I remember feeling it, liking it and then being like "so that's that then". In search of this liberation of my sexual identity, I went on a rampage after the boy and then...well you guessed it, I went and got pregnant. "fuck" was my initial thought but then I decided that I could narrow down the possibilities of which one of these assholes had done this to me (lol) and have the culprit pay for my abortion. Simple as it sounds, it didn't quite work out that way...I quit smoking the day I found out, like put my pack of black and mild's in the trash and never craved another ever since. I started taking prenatal pills and becoming a mother. I was 19. And I felt like my life was fucking over. I prepared to become the role of a single uneducated mother with no support from my child's father...most of that is still true and sometimes I think about how my own expectations of myself have brought me to this point and I am hard on myself...

But I forget sometimes just how little of myself I had developed before being given the responsibility of growing another person. There was no in between period, just party party, drugs, sex, party sex, drugs party party and then literally one day, mid hangover, I find out that I'm pregnant. And this whole mission to be the epitome of the sexually liberated woman melted away and I saw that I was a prisoner to my lack of self esteem and that this mess of a person...had been granted a huge slap in the face from that shiesty bitch, Reality. Since then I have struggled with who I think I am, I must be honest. I often feel like that 16 year old girl I was, unsure of things but charismatic and able to shield a lot of my insecurities by being...crazy. I don't always know the difference between then and now and it scares me. I know who I am but sometimes, I don't really know how to define myself in terms that I can understand. I think it's important for people to recognise who they are and what has contributed to the person that they are, what are the most significant factors that have shaped the way that you take on the world? Am I an adult now and what does that really mean? How am I different from the knocked up 19 year old I was who slept with men because they were 1. Attractive and (equally as important as their looks to me) assholes?

I am very different now, I must say that for all the confusion, I have a better more strong sense of self, I know what I want out of life and I know my convictions and am more morally balanced than before. But as the positive parts of myself have developed, so have some of the negative, as I continually redefine myself I look at the things that I want changing and figure that I hang on to things for reasons that go beyond the laziness and resistance to change. I hav theorised that I am holding on to things that I am afraid to let go of, that I have suppressed issues that I use as a crutch to excuse myself from making efforts to change. I think that I have had all these thoughts right now because as I embark on this new journey of self exploration, to figure out myself, really, I want success. I want to really be my very best and I want to uncover the root causes of why I have these problems in the first place. It has all been a roller coaster since I fucked that boy in the arboretum, but now, i just want a nice riverboat ride...

...sometimes you have to write a blog at 5:00am

I have been taking lots of time to reflect lately, really considering things and looking at how they could have been done differently. Introretrospection. As I have time to develop my womanness I feel more and more that my journey within myself is more important than a journey away from home. I am learning so much about myself that I have always ignored in the past and it is almost flabbergasting to see just how much could have been saved if I had just thought before I acted. How have I been living life this way!?

But in all honesty and understanding of the laws of the universe, I am everything that I was and that I am and that I will ever be. Which means that things are guided by mathematical procedures, and all of my experiences have happened with precision, every last one teaching me something that I would need to move forward. Amazing, that. Life is for learning. More than anything else, I want to know all that I can within the time that I am here, which is where I get my flighty nature from, I can never focus in on one thing...as I notice the big picture I scan from point to point trying to appreciate the beauty of it all at once and in my haste, I never see the picture. I have a nasty problem with time. I have owned it for so long that it is my second nature. But what I know now... Changes everything. I was brought to an eye opening juncture where I suddenly realised that I in fact can change these things about myself. I knew also that it would take effort and time and the dedication to myself to not be so accepting of these flaws because soon they would be the only things of myself that have definition. I believe that something in life wants us to hungrily consume knowledge and then use that knowledge to improve ourselves continually subsequently having the effect of improving everything around us. Firmly, I believe that I will never know that I know anything at all, but will that deter me from trying to learn EVERYTHING? Not a chance. I'm a child of the stars, we're made from the same things. So surely, I must have it inside me to adjust the things about myself that are not reflective of my beautiful soul.

THICK.: The meaningless word...

THICK.: The meaningless word...: My cell phone is chiming...chiming away and I look to find it because it could be something important...good news...money...but in my head.....

The meaningless word...

My cell phone is chiming...chiming away and I look to find it because it could be something important...good news...money...but in my head...and my heart I know it's Mike, the 8th time since Friday...I have been ignoring his calls.

When he calls I feel a weight on my chest and everything within me collapses because I can't bear to tell him the truth...and I can't bear to tell him a lie...

Why do men do this? Call constantly when a woman has made the decision to ignore them? For 30 seconds, every time the phone begins to chime...I contemplate answering it... I battle within myself about something that just isn't that serious...just hit the ignore button...it's that easy...but not...I let it ring, this feels more acceptable than hitting ignore, I feel as though not making a decision about whether or not to ignore the call... gives me more choices somehow.

I Don't know why I am doing this...I should have told him that it was done when he said he loved me...but I just didn't have it in me...I have been thinking about the way he is able to contribute to me...

First, if I need to talk shit about ANYBODY in my life, he doesn't know them, so I can do it with him.

Second, free hugs and cuddles without having to fuck him... That's a big thing to me, I love to hug and I love to be hugged...if I cut him off completely well...who's going to hug me just because???

So there it is...I actually need Mike in my life right now, for lack of more suitable options. So the phone stops chiming...and a couple minutes later he sends a text... "I wud love 2 c u today"...oh for fucks sake man, enough already with the word dammit...

You know what, I don't really like the word love, it isn't pretty like other words...like luminescence or poeticism...it's just...love...and you know what else, it really doesn't mean anything either, like literally means nothing, and then people say, well you give it meaning...I think that's bullshit, I think it is a bastard word that draws attention away from the words that matter...like respect, or admire or care about...love is a piece of snivelling shit word and it does nothing for itself and means fucking nothing...

So you know what...fuck Mike, I will continue to string him along because it's obvious he thinks I'm stupid, he thinks that I am dumb enough to believe that he "loves" me but he doesn't know, I don't even believe in love, so jokes on him, ha! I can probably keep him for 6 months...although I don't think I'll need him that long...

You might think that this is uncalled for and unnecessary but the way I look at it...I am setting like a super hero, setting the world straight and doing the things that need to be done...Mike has hurt someone in the past, I am sure, I am karma for Mike and whatever fucked up thing he made some person in the past feel, I need to help the balance between good and evil, and it is necessary work...I don't want to be mean, but I know that he deserves it...just because he's getting it...I am enforcing justice! I am like God.

The phone chimes again...I answer on the third ring..."hello?? Who's this?" that was impromptu...pretending to not know who it was like I hadn't saved his number lol.. "it's Mike" he says..."umm.....Mike??....Mike who??" I say... "it's me! It's me! Mike, u know who it is!" and I'm like..."OOOh...sorry I thought you were somebody else...what is it" I say...I'm in control of this...I am in charge and for as long as I can I will make dates then postpone and subsequently cancel them...and not even intentionally, at the time I make them I will think I want to see him and then it's just going to get too much and I won't want to see him anymore. I will ignore phone calls for days on end, I will never respond to texts, I will never tell him that I don't love him...in fact I like to say "um got luv for u" to guys because it doesn't mean anything and it is not saying "I love you"...I just remembered that I could resurrect that term...it's a fantastic way to make the I love you moments less awkward and stupid guys won't really get it...

The not so mysterious mystery of why I didn't cut ties when I said I would lingers about and I feel bad about doing this to a person...because at the end of the day...he's a person isn't he...omg I'm evil...this is actually...wrong.

People with with penises....

As a woman bounded to this modern day patriarchal society, I think it is vastly important to define ones sexual self outside of the implications of societal labels. It is important to understand that we as human beings are sexual by nature, that's just how it is, somehow we live in a society that makes sex vulgar if it does not adhere to a strict set of antiquated rules and it is anti human to think that people are going to be happy and succumb to the things that society, for some reason, says about how sex should be had... I am not going to talk about the guidelines to sexual identity, not in the least, this post, I promise is not that deep...but I say all of that to lead up to the main idea of this post... Friends for fucking.
I am, by my own personal nature, a creature that likes familiarity, I haven't always been this way but as I get older I have grown comfortable with the fact that I only like to have sexual relationships with one person at a time, it keeps me focused and frankly, men are too annoying to be dealing with too many of them at once. That said, as I have been secretly screening candidates for a friendship solely based on sex, I find the habits of the male creature to be very...strange to say the least. I'm not sure, but perhaps they are aware of what I am doing but one by one all of the candidates do or say something that is off-putting and I am thinking that my own quirks must be prompting them to be this way.
Or maybe it is just this country. Let's talk about "Mike". I have known him for a while now, probably almost since the first time I came out here, nice chap but really kind of dim, well equipped though, so I can dig it. Over the past week or so, we have been back and forth about life and the usual, I consider him a friend so I give him the time of day to ramble on about the mundane things in his life that obviously interest him enough for retelling. Three days ago, we have coffee, there is a comfortability that comes with people who have had sex with one another so we are chatting, he wants to know where I've been and how I've been making out with my plans blah blah blah...I just want to fuck him...without being so crass, I ask him if he wants to link, of course he does. This looks like it can't fail for me I mean...we're two consenting adults and we have just made plans to...well...make plans.This has very little chance of going wrong...right???? So we've been sexting which is fine and i'm liking the idea of linking again...because it's always good fun with him but then...with one dismal text message, my plans begin to fall to pieces. In some lapse of consciousness, Mike texts "I can't wait to c u again, I wanna make u mine". Dear god, why did you have to say that Mike?? Because now the dynamics of this no strings attached fuckbuddy relationship have now changed...completely. You see, I am quite confused because I have and am always transparent about these sort of things, he knows I don't want in any way shape or form to be in a girlfriend boyfriend relationship, it's just too much pressure for me and I am not interested in an emotional commitment to any man right now but for some reason he felt as though it was the right thing to say...so just to make sure I am misinterpreting this text, I call him a few hours later after ignoring a call from him and failing to rewind to texts... Our conversation happens something like this "hey, I saw that u called, what's up?". (Mike says) "yeah, I miss you babe, I wanted to see how u were doing". (I say) "yeah everything is cool, so what ya sayin?". At this point I want to say A. You know if it's one thing I can't stand, it's pet names, B. I am not your babe and C. Stop fucking up, with every hint of affection I want to fuck you less and less...anyway we talk about meeting up and then at the end of this call, Mike says the words of no return "you know I love you right?"...silence...end call...no booty call...nothing, I know this is only the first candidate but you see, the others were put on the back burner when I felt he was a sure thing...and now Mike feels as though, because of our past, I must have some yearning for a deeper connection with him...unfortunate...is this man stupid? What would prompt him to ruin a sure chance of getting laid with that god damned fucking "L" word...I guess I am disappointed that he thinks that I am silly enough to believe him and that he didn't realise that I was being serious when I said sex and not much else between us...I don't know where I will go from here, perhaps back to the candidate pool, after over a year of being with one person on a continuous basis with the one booty call that doesn't live in England...I have just lost the ability to appeal in a purely sexual way to the list of maybes that I have been considering for the fulfilment of our primal urges... Perhaps Mike is an isolated case, which is a shame because he is obviously my lay of choice, but, I suppose it is time to be moving on...and just to think...it all went downhill with a single text...

The daunting this about facing reality....

Most of the time I live from day to day on aloose set of very flexible rules and principles. I am by nature very....whimsical...by nurture and my own laziness, very disorganised...very... Inefficient but charismatic and often am able to seem as though I am more progressive because I can convincingly speak action words. Over the past few days I have had much time to reconsider my position in life and think about it in relation to the things that I want to become and accomplish. There are many reasons involved and at the moment everything is really just too much to have any sort of emotional response to...and so...I have been making goal maps all week, calculating costs, tabulating time periods, theorising eventualities... I think this is how I grieve losses and I don't know if I like it but along with writing about it...It is helping to ease my anxiety...maybe this would have worked if I had done it before...but I didn't and so I must acknowledge the consequences of my own actions. Taking responsibility... Makes me feel more in control of the situation actually, less helpless... I think even that I can maintain my Sharla-ness and be less a mess...but we'll see, only time can tell with these sort of things and I truly can't be asked to make any promises in the midst of this feeling that I am just trying to overcome. I am a bit sad because of a combination of things...so I need to be busy to keep me from thinking too much about details that are really insignificant in the grand scheme of things....the world hasn't ended though...I know that, I know that every emotion is temporary and that being close to the situation makes everything seem more difficult than it is...it's really not that bad...I tried, I didn't try hard enough and as a result I've failed so...you know it is time to move on and focus on more important things like school, like life, like my baby, my book...like my own personal growth.

...a recognition of the importance of being present

When someone that you love dies, you begin to reassess your efficiency in life, you wonder if you are optimising every moment that you are granted in this life...for me, I am reminded of my own mortality, I know how little holds us to this life and something in me has become conscious that life is what we make of it, not what is given to us. I love my grandfather, he taught me a lot of things about people and about life and about myself, he taught me things in his death even and his legacy is not just the lessons he gave to me, but his humanity and my recognition that we are all so...human.

I have had some major events happen in my life that leave me feeling a little anxious in my stomach but things that I know will pass eventually. I'm different than I was yesterday...maybe temporarily but right now I value life and all it has to offer. I want to be decisive, I have goals that take more than my whimsical nature to be achieved. What of my existence will be the catalyst to make me a stronger, more efficient person? So governed by emotions, so insane, so resistant to change... I don't know for sure, to be completely honest, the manic nature of my life is such good writing material that wonder if I put myself into situations simply for the sake of feeling something that the public wants to read. I hope that I am not as cheaply conceived as the products that I am addicted to consuming.

I am anxious. I want to move, I want to write, I want to paint, I want to do anything that distracts me from living...and at the same time...I want to live. The irony!
I want to feel what I'm feeling but at the same time I want to kill what I'm feeling...such is the nature of my emotions, sometimes I think I'm manic depressive then I remember...I'm just Sharla. As Sharla, the most important thing for me right now...is to define myself outside of the parameters of happenstance, to be less of a pedestrian and more of an action woman... In spite of all the things that I hate about what I feel right now, I know that after they pass, I will appreciate what I have been through, even if only so that I can appreciate what I don't have to go through again...growing pains.

I get back to London on Monday morning...I have class on Monday night, I will be living in cramped conditions out of a couple of suitcases trying to execute a plan to get the fuck out of my head and live a happier life not shrouded in uncertainty and anxiety. I haven't done this before but...I if I don't believe in myself...why should anybody else. I'm not alone, but I am alone and I am scared...but really I'm more optimistic than I have been in the past few years...for the first time, I have a physical plan, mapped out in 7 hours on a flight from London to Bermuda. I have a plan that leaves more to fall back on than just chance. If I gained nothing else over the past few weeks, this plan is more than worth it all, even if it doesn't all go according to plan...for once I have mapped out the conceivable eventualities and been decisive about my future and I am proud of myself for beginning to live more consciously even if it is a small step. You see the re evaluation of my life that comes after the death of my grandfather is a gradual process and while change is difficult, I am committed to being better because of what the life and death of Daddy Leonard has taught me.

I am a firm believer that everything that happens is supposed to happen...just because it did. Every experience contributes to me as a whole person, these events in my life are important in shaping the woman that I am yet to become. I have so much to learn and am open and receptive to it all, I am and have been afraid of my responsibility to myself and my daughter. I am cradled...sheltered and complacent. But I'm owning up...finally and trudging through some shit barefoot with the understanding that it stinks right now but some day there will be flowers emerging from the shit. I have much to be thankful for. One of them is a grandfather who taught me to be open, and young and ready to humble myself when I am in the wrong. He to taught me that it is important to learn right up until my dying day. He was not a perfect man, but nobody is perfect. I am full of memories of things that could have been done differently and more efficiently...but what now? Now I don't cry over spilled milk...I clean up the mess I made, and pour myself another cup. Life is for learning...all the time and as much as I wish certain things could have been learned differently...I am appreciative of every experience that continues to shape my meaningful existence on this planet. I am alive. That matters.