9 years ago today I was 15. That might not be relevent because I'm not really going to talk about that. I am feeling a little mental and so it is best for me to make a list, they're easy to compile and easy to consume. I feel more useful when I am making lists, like I am really doing something important. I will make a list of things, things of no particular significance or relation to one another...
1. In the darkness I swear I can hear 3 distinct voices belonging to faces that I only vaguely remember.
2. I feel cold.
3. Black & Mild's.
4. Goslings Rum.
5. Sweat & Cum.
6. Blood.
7. I don't know where these memories live when I don't smell your essence drifting near.
8. You smell my fear and in me see an insecure child unsure of how to protect herself
9. You smell my fear and relish in the emotions you invoke.
10. These secrets that I write on notebook paper and burn live between you, the universe and I.
11. I can listen to Jah Cure, it doesn't mean anything to me anymore.
12. I am drama.
13. I am not drama, I'm just completely mad.
14. Daylight, I just might take a walk down Deep Dale one way.
15. Some days I forget just how many of you are dead or in jail.
16. I want a snowy's snowball, passionfruit, mango & watermelon flavours.
17. I remember 3 distinct voices belonging to throats that I would slit if I knew I wouldn't get caught.
18. What if everything hapened for a reason.
19. I am afraid of lonliness and fear. I am afraid of fear.
20. Tomorrow will be harder than today.
21. Yesterdays are always easier.
22. Rounds. Laughter. Tears and Unintelligible pleas.
22. & When I die. I hope you never know that you changed me.
23. I care. That's why I say that I don't...so often, sometimes autonomously.
24. I realise that admitting that I care, actually hurts less than pretending that I don't.
25. Fuck you. Fuck him. Fuck everybody.
26. Sometimes it seems like I've fucked everybody.
27.
28. The answer will always be "die slow"
29. Red and Jose Cuervo mixed together make shame.
30. Snowballs and pineapple rum mixed together make regret.
31. Money makes debt.
32. Humiliate me. Please.
33. I hear a bike starting.
34. I smell that fucking scent that lives in my subconscious when I feel most alone.
35. No more self portraits for facebook.
36. Why don't you die. They should shoot you. I don't know what you do but I know what you've done and I just can't see what luck holds such a vile creature to this life.
37. I am tormented tonight because I saw you today and I wished I could tell somebody how I still hear your voice even when you aren't talking because of the weight of what I heard you say.
38. I'm okay
39. I'm okay.
40. I'm okay.
41. Fuck it, I'm not okay.
42. I am drowning in childishly retained memories wondering why they never leave me even when I leave them behind in Bermuda.
43. No amount of makeup can hide me from my guilt.
44. My heart is an open wound having scabs peeled from it's surface.
45. Is it all worth it?
46. I'm okay.
47. Here I am again today poorly sheilding myself from fears that only exist in my head.
48. I hate you and I wish you were dead.
49. I'm okay.
50. What happens when we're on the edge and all that holds us back from jumping is constructing arbitrary lists. Do you give a shit or am I just...that's it. How have you lived with this for 9 years.
51. I want you to care.
52. I want you to care enough to apologise or at least have some respect and avert your eyes.
53. Show some fucking shame.
54. I don't care.
55. Why do I torture myself like a masochist. It must be my fear and my emptiness.
56. Maybe if pain is self inflicted, I can feel empowered when I'm feeling it.
57. This is twisted.
58. There are no song lyrics to encompass how I'm feeling.
59. Even my own poetry lacks the ability to heal me from the scars left by the peices you continue to steal from me everytime I close my eyes and travel back in time to places that don't allow me to grow but all I know is that...fuck.
60. I'm okay.
61. I don't care
62. I am okay and I do not care.
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