&truth...most important is the truth.

I wish I had made better decisions when I was younger....that I had liked myself more and that I wasn't so irresponsible and selfish. Sometimes I am so fucking afraid out of my wits that I am fucking up or that I am doing something stupid and irresponsible, often, it is a struggle to trust my own judgement even on mundane things like whether or not to buy lemon scented dishwashing liquid. Often I am only acting confident so that nobody sees the snivelling idiot beyond the fierce mask of this "Sharla" that I created to hide behind. The only time that I feel in control of anything is when I am cooking a meal...because even writing things is something that I can't completely control...I go through life amazed at the wonder of everything and scared shitless that I may be missing the point as I'm swallowed up in my "I know nothing" optimism. I know that everything isn't always sunshine and fucking roses, there are many...many times that I feel like I don't know what the fuck I am going to do next. It's harder than I admit to a lot of times but easier than I imagine it is for other people and so I shut the fuck up and struggle for a few days if I have to...but fuck...I should have acted differently...I should have been smarter, this would be easier if I made plans that I could follow through with...and sometimes I think...I'm going mad in desperation and loneliness, I'd feel so empty if I didn't have Amiya there to give me a purpose sometimes. Other times I know exactly what my purpose is and I'm pissed off that I have to postpone my dreams while Amiya's stupid father is out and about doing whatever the fuck he wants, he never has to look for a fucking babysitter, he never has to pay a fucking school fee/doctors bill/buy clothes/ console/discipline/live with the constant consequences of a decision that we both made...and that's just not fucking fair because the sex was better for him than it was for me...so fucking unfair...I'm not in a constant state of rage towards him...just when he contacts me to pretend he's concerned about his daughter when it's clear that he just wants to fuck me again...and somehow he thinks that I am stupid enough to sleep with a man who owes me thousands in child support...and that angers me too...I wish he would just go away completely sometimes...I just want him to vanish into oblivion and stop throwing all these meaningless fucking words at me....meaningless fucking words and meaningless fucking intentions and promises that are devoid of depth, just like he is...it just pisses me off and then I wonder why the fuck I'm putting up with it...that nigga aint worth shit...straight up. And then other times I'm sad...I'm sad because I can't provide the same upbringing for Amiya that I've had. I am sad because I can't fucking live here anymore. I am sad because I am afraid that I'll die alone, this scares me and I know it seems like a silly and shallow concern but it's real to me, no one will want me because of all the fucking baggage I carry and nobody will want to deal with my fucking problems AND insecurities...even if they think they do, they will never want to when they see the extent of my flaws...I am scared because fuck, I want to be loved. I want to be loved like how my mama is loved by my daddy. I want to be in a room full of people and only see that one person. My parents kiss like fucking teenagers and it's nauseating but it's beautiful...they've been together for 30 fucking years and they still want and want to be with eachother...and I'm scared that I won't even be able to have a small portion of the partnership that my parents have...and I know it's selfish because actually, 80% of my time is for Amiya right now, but I am not going to discount it's validity just because it is only amplified in these quiet lonely moments where I wish I were spooning instead of typing a blog that no one will read anyway. I'm about to say something retarded...but I wish that I loved Amiya's father...I wish that we had even been in love at one point so that I could at least look at her and reminisce about that...but I can't...to me when I see Amiya, she is something that came from nothing. Love that materialised out of nowhere...of course I see her fathers face too, but I'm only moved by how I feel for her...and saddened a little by what I feel for him. I am just being honest about my feelings because it feels better to speak them/type them than to repress them like they don't matter...they do matter because I matter and they matter me. I have always been so used to ignoring them because in all honesty, they arise quite infrequently, recently more frequently than I am used to and trying to ignore them to me is just as stupid as giving them too much energy and harbouring them constantly...I need to talk about these feelings, even if it is only to a hypothetical cyber audience that may or may not exist...these feelings need to be expressed...I am emotionally volatile right now, I am sleep deprived and trying hard to devise a plan to keep focus on my dreams and goals, I am looking at a sleeping 4 year old who is committed to draining every ounce of energy inside me, I am thinking about the fact that my flight is on thursday and I wish I could just extend my trip for one more week. I don't want to be alone, I want my family...I am scared...I am sad...I am unsure about whether or not I am making the best choice for Amiya...I wish someone could give me answers because I don't know where to look for them...but I...I think I'm supposed to be a grown up now...which is horrific because I don't know how/when I got here...and I think it was too soon...and I was never prepared for it.